What is going on?

Yesterday was uncomfortable for me. The day before I had a therapy session with DrM. It was my first for 3 or 4 weeks. And its aftershock drifted into the day after. Self-reflection can be such a bitch.

As the dust settles this morning, I am feeling a little clearer on just what is going on in my head. I just watched Da 5 Bloods, Spike Lee’s new film. I’m not going to offer a review of the film, but needless to say, I am a great fan of Spike Lee’s work, and it did not disappoint. I thought it was brilliant particularly in its depiction of the lasting legacy of the war on the actual people who fought in it (on both sides), their loved ones and society as a whole. It also provided a timely spotlight on systematic racism and what BLM is about at a time when there is a kick back from some prominent quarters to counter its core messages.

Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On ran throughout the film as a soundtrack and a narrative. A brilliant album by any standards giving an introspective view of a Vietnam War veteran returning to his home country to witness hatred, suffering and injustice. (I am listening to the album as I write).

I am not making comparisons of my life with that of a war veteran, but with introspective analysis being the purpose of my therapy I thought it appropriate to reference it in this post.  After all how can my privileged upbringing compare with somebody who has participated in the trauma of armed conflict?

Yet within that statement I reveal what is essentially wrong with me. DrM asked me, why I always have to look for the negative to compare with the positive? Strangely enough, two of my friends have both asked virtually the same question in the last week.

However hard I try to stop doing that, something brings me back to it. A feeling that I can always do better, and that my problems don’t compare with others.

Then to finish yesterday off for me, on Instagram I saw a post from Deepak Chopra. It said…

However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the right person, because he or she is the mirror of who you are inside.

It provoked controversy in the comments beneath it. And initially as I was a bit shocked by it, then envious as I am not in a relationship with anybody else for it to be good or bad.

Taking the learnings from my therapy and applying it to Deepak’s wisdom, am I on my own right now because I don’t love myself enough, therefore I am not capable of loving somebody else?

The self-love thing, holistically that is, not the physical act of onanism, is what DrM has been coaxing out and bringing to the forefront of my thinking. The fact I have a troublesome relationship with myself is the cause of all my inner conflict, and that is reflected outwardly. If I offer myself as a punch-bag I will get punched. It’s that simple really. If I don’t value myself and know my self-worth I will always be towards the back of the queue. Maybe it is time to jump to the front of that queue. Or form a new one.

That’s what’s going on!

Ronnie xx

Today’s pictures, inspired by the music of Marvin Gaye, are of a thistle and a random feather, both viewed with a macro lens then worked into trippy patterns that reveal hearts, faces and strange alien-like beings. Analyse that if you can.