‘Givers suffer if it’s not reciprocated.’ – DrM
OK, I admit it. I’m struggling with a lot of things right now. Particularly loneliness and lack of options, brought about by my nemesis, money. I’m also haunted by the recurring nightmares of bad choices that I’ve made in the past. Their legacy is easy to access when my mood is low. I’ve been in better circumstances of course, that’s true. But when I had money I still managed to cock it up. Somehow believing, deep down, that maybe I just didn’t deserve it. So I’d best spend every bit of it (not all on myself by the way) as quickly as it arrived.
And right now I’ve been asking the wrong question, especially as I already know the answer. How did I get here? Quite simply, it’s the self-fulfilling prophecies created by my stupid fucking beliefs.
I had my last session with DrM this week. Apart from the excellent summation of my suffering in the quote at the beginning of this post, I am a giver you see. There’s too many that will take advantage of givers by taking everything they offer and not giving enough back in return. It’s the old power thing I suppose. Know your place. By accepting that you’ll forever be in my control. You can either take that or you do something about it. Well I am doing something, once again. Only this time not making it up as I go along. I will have an actual plan founded on a whole set of new beliefs.
Before I get on to that, I suppose the other thing to consider is that the latest pandemic has completely altered the playing field of life. Trying to go back to the old ways is the instinctive response and that seems to be the current thinking of most politicians and many business leaders. I believe it is more in hope than expectation that things will return to how they were. The danger of that line of thought is it becomes a fruitless search for the comfort zone of the old normality. Personally I have no truck with rose tinted nostalgia.
Nostalgia in my opinion, is a symptom of resistance to change brought about by the fear of what it might bring. And the confusion for me right now is that I’m a man who has always embraced change, yet I’m suddenly wary of it. Or is that weary of it? What I do know is I can’t accept decisions based on being lucky to still be in work, still alive, etc. I have to change direction, once again.
So this is what I have to focus on. This way I can plot the route out of my current anguish to re-embrace change and all that it brings.
Step 1. The line in the sand questions….
- How do I value myself?
- What do I want?
- What am I proud of?
Step 2. The hard yards…
- Don’t mask the real me, access it.
- Measure my value system.
Step 3. The way forward…
- Have confidence in my gifts.
- Accept me, and my significance.
- Take action.
- Have the destination in mind, not the route.
- Working around new or hidden obstacles may require detours.
There you have it, my three-step plan. All of these will be expanded upon over the next few days and weeks ahead.
There is one thing I will be resurrecting from the past though. And that is the ‘present moment mantra’ I used in better days. I don’t quite know how I lost site of this…
Accept what is, let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
My pictures today are of scenes I have photographed on Macclesfield Canal. They were all taken in the last week. Then remixed and reworked into new perspectives whilst listening to music to lift my mood. Tom Adams please take a bow again, the Silence album is simply beautiful, calming and a wonderful inspiration to me.