Light at the end

Fear controls. In the context of this post, I’m not referring to politicians or certain religious leaders stoking fears of the law or God’s vengeance or to simply exert power over mass behaviour, but that happens of course.

I’m referring to how it works on a personal level and how it controls me. Fears exist in many forms and guises. To some, fear is an adrenalin rush and they thrive on it, using it to their advantage. For many though, once you’re in a state of fear, you resort to survival mode either acting on impulse or resorting to behaviours that have kept you safe in the past. The protection from getting hurt overrides everything.

For me I find my demons are the root cause of my fears, and how fear-induced actions have always made me look for the easiest route out. My instinct is to divert, distract, confuse or run. In the past drinking and easy credit were the main facilitators of that approach.

However, now I’m sober, I cannot keep reverting to the default. I have to look my demons in the eye, confront them and change my beliefs and behaviour. It’s not easy. I can’t put it off, so here goes…

Demon 1 – Am I good enough?

This is a curious one, as it boils down to self-doubt. Yet I know that even if something fails, there are still positives to take from the experience. It’s better to have tried and failed, etc. Or if somebody doesn’t like what I do, well that doesn’t matter at all, you cannot please everybody, etc. So why does this demon appear at regular intervals?

The answer is of course I am good enough. I just need to recognise this more often and understand that external negatives should not affect my own self-worth. If I don’t meet somebody else’s expectations, it shouldn’t matter if I meet my own.

Demon 2 – Lack of money!

A bleeding open wound that has followed me throughout my life. I usually find ways of sticking plasters over the wound, but temporary fixes are all I have ever achieved.

Minor surgery is required to stem this flow. And I may have found the surgeon, all completely above board. That remains to be seen. And I am currently planting seeds in the hope that enough grow to harvest. And that some of them are perennial. Patience is required and not fighting battles I cannot win. Acceptance, courage and wisdom are needed in abundance.

Demon 3 – Other people are stopping me progressing or use me for everything they can extract for minimal reward!

Is this just insecurity? I really don’t know. Yet I feel there are times when I have been in successful periods when people want to haul me back by creating doubt and insecurity. Maybe I’m just being paranoid, but it seems very real to me. It’s in my nature to do everything I embark upon with maximum effort. I’m told it stems from my desire to seek approval and validation ahead of personal gain.

However, being around people that suck every ounce of effort for little reward, are they the people I want to be around? Of course not. So I’m not going to put up with this for any longer than I have to.

Demon 4 – Loneliness

The biggest of the lot. I don’t want to be alone, yet these days I spend most of my spare time in that state. The possibilities for this are that some of it is down to my past actions, especially when drinking, as it amplified my own selfishness and thoughtlessness or not appreciating what I had. And maybe some of it is down to my own neediness and approval seeking nature. However, my past is not going to shape my future.

Addressing my fears is the focus of everything right now. DrM tells me, “all that you are, comes out in what you do.” The fear of being alone is manifesting in loneliness. So now I just need to keep believing that my soul mate will just appear in the right moment, maybe when I’m not even looking, and that love will conquer this demon making it disappear forever.

Fears are only based on beliefs and projections of what might happen. As I mentioned in a previous post, beliefs are self-fulfilling prophecies. All of my fears have been based on long standing beliefs, some conscious and some subconscious that required some searching to find, and all have come true. So the times they are a changing. They have to. I can’t keep on repeating the mistakes of the past by feeding my demons.

Today’s pictures are symbolic. They are of a bridge, light at the end of a tunnel, and a duck and her ducklings. The ducks are surely in constant fear of predators, yet it doesn’t stop them swimming. Music to inspire today was from Sault’s album, 7.

Ronnie xx