It’s Been A While

I tend to only write when something is troubling me, very rarely from a happy place. And today is no exception. Though for the most part I’m happy these days.

My addictive traits are worrying me. I’m not thinking about drinking again by the way. Although those thoughts do cross my mind from time to time. I even had a vivid drinking dream last night. Yet I know if I went down that route I’d be back to avoidance of life and abrogating all my responsibilities to self centred ‘pleasure’.

My addictions are acting out in my work right now. I have come off the back of a really intense week and its impacting on my personal life. I’ve been distant from everyone that matters, including my dog, but especially my daughters, granddaughter and Bernie whilst I’ve let matters spiral inwards to self absorption.

My default position is commitment. I give everything into the object of my focus and when I’m really in this zone, I believe that everyone and everything should feel the same way. This week its been my work that’s had my sole focus to the point that its overflowed into escapism and I have momentarily lost sight sight of everything else. In other words I became self absorbed, and couldn’t put it down, to the point that I became so mentally drained at the end of each day I just needed to crawl into a hole and sleep. It’s no different to my drinking days in that once I had my first drink it was a procession to the point I could only stop when my body shut down or I was distracted by something else shiny, often this would be a woman lavishing attention on me, though sometimes it would be something more destructive that only prolonged the moment of crash landing.

Time to step back and refocus away from the self and into the collective. Reading, meditation and repair conversations to lead me back to how can I be of service to others and not on not how does this impact on me. Time to let go and let God as they say. Stop projecting possible outcomes that always results in catastrophising to the worst case scenario. It’s time to re-align to the present moment. And to make amends to those I’ve neglected over the last weeks, months, etc by making contact, asking how they are and taking it from there.

Ronnie xx

Reasons to be cheerful, 1,2,3…