As with all my musings within this blog I start with something that is a rant of utter negativity before refining it into something more palatable in an effort to draw positivity out of the blackness.
It starts with acceptance of things I can’t change, working out what I can change and then having the courage and wisdom to implement it. Applying the principles of the Serenity Prayer in other words
I’ll start by saying I never really like this time of year. I have another birthday in three days and it reminds me that I’m getting older as well as being alone and isolated. Well that just makes me anxious.
Now a couple of my friends and my family tell me that my isolation is a choice, and that I should make an effort. Join a mutual interest group or something. In other words stop being a twat, find (or reconnect) and accept people into my life.
Maybe I’m looking for an ideal partner that doesn’t exist, I don’t know. But when I’m in such a downer it’s hard to drag myself out of it. My boredom threshold is on a hair trigger. (I’m bored with myself not other people by the way.)
My life feels like it’s a constant fight for visibility. Yet when the visibility I want doesn’t materialise, I get frustrated and I then present my alter ego – Bitter and Twisted Negative Man.
He turned up at the football earlier in the day on Saturday. The result and luck went against my team as they started poorly and never really recovered as they chased the game. He also turned up at work a couple of weeks ago. And whilst this time I’ve overcome these latest incidents, I believe it’s an indicator of why I lose contact with so many people. Most people are not prepared to forgive this repeated character flaw. Or so I believe. So I retreat as much as they do and a relationship void opens up.
I went out for dinner last night with an ex-girlfriend at her boss’s house. It was lovely. She is lovely. She seems happy for our enduring relationship to stay platonic, maybe I do too, though I spent the whole week looking forward to going and hoping that she may finally forgive me for being a knob all those years ago. Perhaps I give off the wrong signals. I don’t know anymore. I think the fact we remain friends is down to her more than me and I really value that.
So by this time next week I’ll be another year older and preparing for a holiday on my own. As I fly out to Portugal more in trepidation than excitement, I will be asking myself why have I chosen to go away on my own? Fuck knows. I’ll miss the most precious things – my granddaughter and my daughters. I’ll miss my mental dog, my salvation from complete isolation as I take her out twice a day at least, and pass small talk with fellow dog owners.
In the past I would snap out of this loneliness by going out for a drink. Which was always taken to the extreme as I never knew (or wanted) when to stop until I blacked out. Drinking to forget. Get pissed with friends or make new friends whilst getting pissed. It was of course very hollow. And led to a whole heap of additional issues as I abrogated my real needs to my addiction.
Now my release is venting through this blog. It helps me evaluate what I need to do in order to forgive myself of my short comings and flaws. After all it’s better to forgive than seek forgiveness (thanks St Francis). And if I let go and let a higher power guide me rather than vainly chasing solutions, I should find some peace and resolution. To take a quote from the song that’s playing in my head right now, there will be an answer, let it be.
Anyway, here’s two reasons to be cheerful…